Jake Tapper definitively proves 'Die Hard' is a Christmas movie ... in verse

A recent YouGov poll purporting to show that a majority of people surveyed don't believe "Die Hard" is a Christmas movie is fake news. The movie's screenwriter said so himself. But if you're still not convinced, CNN's Jake Tapper, of all people, is here to show, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that "Die Hard" is a Christmas movie. In verse.

At Los Angeles airport, meet our savior, McClane;

With toys for his kids he disembarks from his plane.

To not see that this tale’s about Christmas is folly;

Did I mention that Mrs. McClane’s name is Holly? pic.twitter.com/NxZcmTxiEW

— Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) December 26, 2017

“How 'bout some Christmas music?” McClane asks of Argyle.

“That *is* Christmas music,” the driver says with a smile.

To reunite with Holly, his aim is shared with shy laughter;

T’would be a holiday miracle to last ever after. pic.twitter.com/JHS4M1Z4NS

— Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) December 26, 2017

“You throw quite a party,” says John to Tagaki-San.

“I didn't know they had Christmas in Japan.”

John is weary from travel; Holly offers a bed.

While down in the lobby, the guard’s shot in the head. pic.twitter.com/n8D7tGfgTX

— Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) December 26, 2017

In Theo! In Kyle! In Tony, Ed, Fritz!

Into the party the armed thugs run a blitz.

(Argyle still waits; this is long before Uber.)

While havoc is wreaked by the evil Hans Gruber. pic.twitter.com/ZeUcMXNQZB

— Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) December 26, 2017

John McClane, he escapes. Save the day - he’s just gotta;

Without shoes he tracks blood as if bearing wounds of stigmata;

One thug tries to kill him but that German’s too slow;

Now John McClane has a machine gun. HO-HO-HO. pic.twitter.com/Kp5izQXk3A

— Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) December 26, 2017

Sgt. Al Powell is told of disturbance;

In response the fake guard feigns a bit of perturbance

Does he hear anything? The answer is no

Except for the song “LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW” pic.twitter.com/gdkHpf92Yp

— Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) December 26, 2017

“Merry Christmas,” says Powell, not realizing the peril;

Driving off while he sings a beloved Christmas carol.

A corpse falls from above with a clear rationale;

McClane says to the cop “Welcome to the party, pal.” pic.twitter.com/o3hRQhTxvP

— Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) December 26, 2017

Gruber talks to McClane,

or rather he sneers

Survival would be a miracle, he plays on his fears

The policeman is bloodied and in dire need of succor

“Yipee-ki-yea,” McClane says, “mother-f***er.” pic.twitter.com/AOKNqUnrcY

— Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) December 26, 2017

A woman hostage with child in of its glory

Is also a part of our Christmas Eve story

With Johnny McC traveling great distance

With hope and with love fighting evil resistance pic.twitter.com/gFXn49xRSv

— Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) December 26, 2017

Theo, a wise man, who’s also quite naughty

Is stealing the money in spirit quite haughty

Ellis, the Judas, attempts an amenity

By disclosing the cowboy’s secret identity pic.twitter.com/9iT5pXeWIH

— Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) December 26, 2017

McClane gets a bad feeling and asks Sgt Powell

To relay to his wife a redemptive avowal

“When things panned out for her, I should've been behind her all the way”

He says this thinking that he’ll never see the light of day. pic.twitter.com/KRmBEI4vhK

— Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) December 26, 2017

“I got it,” says the sergeant, “but you can tell her yourself.”

In a scene that’s as seasonal as a reindeer or elf

“I hope so, but that's up to the guy upstairs,” says McClane

Who’s traveled far for peace but encountered only pain pic.twitter.com/G9Dg6LtLn1

— Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) December 26, 2017

If Christmas is love, rebirth and a savior

McClane was all of the above in his Die Hard behavior

God was truly with him, the success was empirical

At Nakatomi they experienced a miracle pic.twitter.com/iQ6E6FkicM

— Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) December 26, 2017

That Die Hard is a Christmas film

Seems to me just a Fact

I declare this without any holiday tact

But whether you agree or your disapproval won’t cease

I wish you a season of love and of peace. ? ? ? pic.twitter.com/G9sCB4Xvne

— Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) December 26, 2017

There you have it. Some real news from a CNN reporter. Well done, Jake.

Giphy

CRTV is in complete agreement.

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