Editor's Note: The article is satirical and hypothetical, though time will tell if it proves to be prescient.
If you are following the candidates' antics in thiselection year you may find it difficult to understand what exactly is transpiring.
However, your problem is now solved, as we have discovered key facts that explain what otherwise would seem quite inexplicable, even crazy. It requires a glimpse behind the scenes, and into the future...
Earlier this year, on one of his many junkets to visit golf courses in the EC, Donald Trump was carefully camouflaged and hustled on to an Ilyushin IL-96, which was on a routine refueling stop. However, on that plane, unbeknownst to any media outlet, was Vladimir Putin and Julian Assange of WikiLeaks. High over the North Atlantic, the meeting that would redirect the history of the United States took place.
It was an exciting moment for all the participants. For Putin, the prospect of being able to influence -- if not directly control -- the government of the United States was the mouthwatering fulfillment of a lifelong dream. For Assange, the opportunity to pal around with Putin and Trump was almost as stimulating, as the role he was about to play would destroy one of his favorite targets. And of course for Trump, getting close to Putin was very gratifying, since Putin was what Trump always wanted to be -- the richest man in the world, and one that did not have to worry about Forbes constantly minimizing his net worth.
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump speaks during a campaign rally at the American Airlines Center on September 14, 2015 in Dallas, Texas. (Tom Pennington/Getty Images)
Putin explained that he had a team of hackers that was every bit as impressive as the Russian chess team, and that they had already been infiltrating the servers of the Democratic National Committee. He would be happy to put them at Assange's disposal because the team had just successfully hacked into the server systems of the State Department, the Clinton Foundation, and Bill and Hillary's personal emails.
Both Assange and The Donald could hardly control themselves, convinced that this would be Trump's ticket to ride to the White House.
The three men became fast friends. Of course, the destruction of Hillary's candidacy was not the only subject; Putin and Trump could not stop themselves from doing a little old-style precatory horse-trading (You know, Putin gets the Crimea, Trump gets a new deluxe hotel in Moscow, maybe a golf course in Venezuela, etc.)
The three vowed next to meet at President Trump's state visit to the Kremlin, where Assange would be a keynote speaker at the de rigueur banquet (Donald also took that moment to remind Vladimir that while he loved and admired everything Russian, he really just couldn't eat borscht.)
The meeting concluded and everyone managed to return home with no one noticing. Assange then got to work, and he and the hackers turned up some wonderful stuff in the ensuing months. They got all 33,000 of Hillary's deleted emails, which were rife with sensitive and obviously classified information. They also found a bunch of emails where Hillary pooh-poohed the idea of increased security at the Libyan embassy. They even found the Clinton Foundation pricelist for access: $2 million for Loretta Lynch, $1 million for Chuck Schumer, all the way down to as little as $100,000 for a freshman congressman in the district of the buyer's choice. A Rolex Daytona (18k) could get you lunch with John Kerry and a bottle of No-Doz.
And so The Donald, armed with the knowledge that Clinton's campaign could be derailed by the explosives turned up by Assange and the Russian team, plotted his careful new strategy with Ivanka. It began by watching Will Smith play Mohammed Ali, and from there Trump concluded that -- at least until September -- he would appear ostensibly to be on the ropes. He was certain that Hillary would just keep punching away, getting tired and spending all that money without him lifting a finger. Even the fact that the Republican campaign could now raise as much money as Hillary did not dissuade her from believing that he was a goner.
Trump being Trump, he could not stop himself from making even more outrageous statements, and finding even more bizarre spokespersons. After awhile, Hillary would believe that not only was he on the ropes, but he was also punchdrunk. In fact, Ivanka observed that Hillary might even be convinced (or could be convinced) that Trump really just didn't want the job. And he knew that the polls would be as easily fooled as the pols.
He planned to carefully orchestrate the release of the information, with little bits of it coming in the midsummer, but the bulk of it making the headlines near the end of September. Having spent very little of the hundreds of millions that he had raised, he would pound home all of the gory information with the most intense television campaign in the history of American presidential elections, concentrated over a six-week period ending on election day. At the same time, he would become more statesmanlike and articulate, to justify what was surely the natural predilection for the great majority of American voters -- to vote for a rich, strong, handsome man with big hands.
Even those pesky, college-educated sophisticates would abandon Hillary in the face of the new information. And, of course, ultimately the Trump Administration's Justice Department would see that Clinton was indicted and jailed for her crimes.
In the end, Trump would win by a knockout in the 10th round.
It's a very simple plan, really, and it's already working. Hillary's Super PAC has stopped spending TV money in important battleground states like Colorado.
And away we go, as she goes away...
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