The below represent some of the most insightful, hilarious and offensive quotes from Greg Gutfeld's new book out yesterday "Not Cool: The Hipster Elite and Their War on You."
1. "Pick a political, cultural, or moral universe, and in each one it's the cool who seek to punish, mock, or thwart the uncool. They do this freely and without much resistance, for exacting cool revenge is so common that the uncool let it happen without a fight--a sort of cultural Stockholm syndrome. Even as the cool put out ads condemning bullying, they spend the rest of their time turning persecution into an art form. The cool are just bullies with stylists and publicists."
2. "...in any place where something isn't cool, you will see these three words strung together: "old white men." Whether it's a clunky news editorial on gun control or a withering analysis of a Republican debate, the media will dismiss it with that handy cliche--they're just "old white men."
[sharequote align="center"]In any place where something isn't cool, you will see these three words..."old white men."[/sharequote]
But the haters of the old white male forget that it was a hardy group of old white men who created this country...as well as a lot of amazing products that saved the lives of a whole bunch of other men (and women, black, white, and pastel). Sure, they were okay with a lot of other really crappy stuff (i.e. slavery), but compared with the rest of the awful, pitiless world, they were--literally--revolutionaries."
3. "My avoidance of mainstream entertainment isn't reactionary. I just tend to move away from stuff that bugs me and toward stuff that surprises me. It puts me on the outside of a lot of things, including the hip. It's how I became a conservative and, ultimately, a libertarian. My politics are simple: Leave me the hell alone and take your definitions of cool and bull*hit exclusionary language with you. My next step, I imagine, is to become a monk. (I actually am kind of serious. I toyed with making fruitcake, and own a number of hooded robes that I stole from hotels.)"
4. "The definition of cool: popularity without achievement. It's how President Obama got the youth vote. Ask any kid who voted for him, "Why did you do it?," and the convoluted, wide-eyed answer will ultimately translate into: "He's cool and that other guy wasn't." (Now they're paying the brunt of Obamacare. Suckers.) The media pushed this to the hilt, and much of the public bought it. Hope and change is cool because it sounds cool, even if it's undefined. An activist government is cool too, because giving stuff away is cool--especially when it's other people's stuff--and therefore perceived as philanthropic. But philanthropy without feeling the pain in your own wallet is super-easy to do, and about as cool as giving away your roommate's food while he's at work trying to pay for that food."
5. "Assorted slugs on death row are cool; their victims, forgotten roadkill. This theme runs through art and pop culture like E. coli in a Tijuana cafeteria. There are more movies, songs, plays, and websites about killers than about their victims. Victims are boring; their tormenters, deep. Hence there are songs about Rubin "Hurricane" Carter and poems about the Chechen bombers, but none about the folks they killed. Disguised as empathy, this behavior is simply an exercise in ego: The sympathizer wants you to view them as cool for seeing beyond the obvious evil of the act. To the cool, empathy is "deep." It's "challenging." To a tougher, more realistic past America, it was "bull*hit."
6. "How we got to a place where men in skinny jeans rank higher in achievement and status than men in military-issued camouflage is a mental journey beyond the limits of my simple, sodden brain. (Granted, it's a short journey.)"
7. "Fact is, the desperate desire to be cool has skewed our culture toward nihilism, carelessness, and ineptitude. It is now cool to be an idiot. A jackass. It's cool to be a failure, as long as your failure is the basis for a reality show. And on the reality show you can do what's considered ultimately cool: "raise awareness." How else can you explain the Bravo network? It's a machine devoted entirely to the adult tantrum."
[sharequote align="center"]My politics are simple: Leave me the hell alone and take your...exclusionary language with you[/sharequote]
8. "Cinematic action is steadily being eliminated by slight men pressing "send." It really is invigorating. I'm not kidding. I was biting my nails during The Social Network, and I'm not even sure why. I mean, it was a movie about rich kids suing over who invented a social networking site. This was not Dirty Harry. Christ, it wasn't even Hello, Larry. It was Goodfellas for zeta males. I don't begrudge the founders of Facebook. Anyone who creates something that millions--or billions--crave is genuinely cool in my book. It is why, however, I don't think Apple is cooler than McDonald's. Both make something that is a pure popular product. A Big Mac and an iPod are pretty much the same thing--except one has a slightly metallic aftertaste (I blame the lettuce)."
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9. "In February 2013 it was revealed that Facebook paid no income taxes for 2012. As reported by CNN, among other places, the social network was due a tax refund of almost 430 million bucks. Now, this is a company that made one billion before taxes (which buys approximately 50 million hoodies for Mark Zuckerberg). But they were able to secure the refund because of a tax deduction from stock options issued to Facebook employees.
I won't pretend to understand how this works (as an English major, I have no discernible skills other than spelling discernible correctly), but I know this: that because this company happened to be Facebook, the story was a one-day affair. It came and went like an ice cream headache, leaving neither a bruise nor a hickey on the Zuckerberg Empire. If this company were something that actually made something in a factory or field, it would be roundly condemned by every single media hack on the planet."
10. "At one point, back in February, on Al Sharpton's show (I believe it's on MSNBC, a network for grad students suffering from shingles), President Obama made a petulant observation that what unites the Republican Party is protecting the rich from having their taxes raised. Well then...what about your friends at Google, Twitter, and Facebook, Mr. President? Don't they have to pay their fair share? If Obama got any more adolescent, I'd have to ground him for a week and take away his Twitter privileges. No more selfies at memorial services for world leaders."
11. "How do you know that social consciousness is thoroughly worthless? When it's so easy that everyone else is doing it. When it's integrated into sappy TV sitcoms, and when corporations desperate for approval from people who hate them flaunt it on their websites or on Twitter. When superficial and dumb-as-dirt celebs get involved, social consciousness becomes the dumping ground for reflexive, attention-seeking acts of meaningless symbolism--a phony exercise meant to shroud the shallowness of those employing it. It's a sham's best friend. It makes you miss the cool of old: the aimless biker with a nonfilter cig hanging from his lips. Yea, he smelled bad. But at least he won't block your path to work to get you to sign a petition to save the paramecium."
12. "In movies it's the crazies who are cool and the decent folk who are demonic. And what you end up with is a culture more fearful of institutionalization than the people who need to be institutionalized. Only in the counter-earth of Hollywood could such BS be pulled off with a straight face (which could explain the massive popularity of Botox)."
[sharequote align="center"]In movies it's the crazies who are cool and the decent folk who are demonic[/sharequote]
13. "[Robert] Redford's maxim is reflexive and predictable: When any organization pits itself politically (or even violently) against the boring and mundane structures that hold society together, you simply root for those who wish to destroy it. It's romantic, it's cool, it makes you appear thoughtful. When, really, it just makes you banal. And brutal. You are just another useful idiot, a pawn for destructive forces."
14. "How funny is it that so many professors labeled Tea Partiers as terrorists, while kissing the asses of real, bona fide terrorists? It's not funny, really. But it's the result of a simple equation: One is cool, and the other isn't. Own a gun and keep it by your bed in your remote farmhouse? You're a redneck. Purchase guns that end up killing a judge? Priceless. As long as you cling to cool, progressive beliefs that deem America evil, whatever you do is cool. And if you do it under a big fuzzy 'fro? Even cooler. Hell, if you 'fro is big enough, you could nuke an orphanage and still get tenure."
15. "There it is again, the bane of all existence: self-esteem. What I would give for a nation with low self-esteem. (I think it's called China.) Nothing bad ever comes from feeling bad, trust me. If I didn't feel bad, I'd get nowhere. The last time I felt really good and was completely stress-free, I was drunk. If I got drunk every day, though, I couldn't afford to get drunk. Feeling bad enables me to do the work that allows me, financially, to get drunk so that, periodically, I feel good. (That's pretty much a blueprint for life.) In the end the self-esteem movement only benefits the "experts" in self-esteem. They get book deals, TV spots, and academic grants. The rest of us get a generation of sullen blamers. It's beneath a lot of kids of every color to work at McDonald's, yet they wonder why no one wants to hire them for anything else."
[sharequote align="center"]You can't play five seasons of Breaking Bad on a bong[/sharequote]
16. "Whenever this preindustrial utopia is being discussed, real progress is always a marker for evil American domination. We have all the good stuff, and since we are evil, so is all of that good stuff we've made. I always wonder, if a twenty-three-year-old protester seeking the simple life suddenly finds out she has breast cancer, would she reject all that medical technology that a simple life cannot offer? If she sticks to her principles, she's in the morgue by twenty-four. There are no atheists in foxholes--and few Luddites in the dorms, when it comes right down to it. You can't play five seasons of Breaking Bad on a bong."
17. "Communal in the end means coercive. Their desire to change your way of life is independent of the result. They really don't care if it works. What they want is what they condemn: power. Like Obamacare, their power is about limiting your options, because your deprivation is their victory. At least a greedy CEO's hunger for power might actually benefit a company and its shareholders. For these eco-maniacs, it's about subtraction: Your sacrifice enhances their power. It's the basis of all fascism, and ultimately ends in misery. Their real aim is scoring major cool points: The greenies gain a victory against the evil industrial complex that poisons hairless minority orphans. That's sure to get a movie made about them by Matt Damon, a movie no one sees outside Matt Damon's immediate family."
18. "Some people admired the detail (which passes for journalism these days at Rolling Stone) found in the piece [on the Tsarnaevs and the Boston bombing], and I don't deny its meticulous devotion to adjectives. But it camouflaged the real point of the article: how modern corrosive pop culture can soften evil through the easy prism of cool. If you're cute and dangerous, those evil deeds you perform become secondary. Blown limbs are no match for blown hair. Too bad Nidal Hasan didn't look like Russell Brand. Jann would have done a centerfold. Even more, if you're a mediocre musician with no buzz but great cheekbones, maybe terror beats giving guitar lessons to middle-aged accountants in your rented basement apartment."
19. "So, two million people die from lack of safe fuels to provide the most important need (warmth). But instead, our politicians, activists, and celebrities would rather focus on something that may or may not contribute to a five-figure death count. How come? Again, the argument against coal is an argument against man-made machines (even though coal is made by earth) and, of course, America. Coal is America. You are cooler and braver to blame America. Imagine if you actually pointed out that in a world where only the warm survive, coal beats everything, hands down. Shi*, people are actually burning shi* to survive. If dung actually were an effective fuel, MSNBC could heat the entire solar system."
[sharequote align="center"]The argument against coal is an argument against man-made machines...and, of course, America.[/sharequote]
20. "...when faced with facts that undermine the cool factor, the cool combat the truth with propaganda and outright lies. Take Rachel Carson's seminal (i.e., full of noxious baloney) environmental screed, Silent Spring, which greenies hail as their bible. Carson proves Gutfeld rule number thirty-four: If there is anything truly harmful to the environment, it's books on the environment. Silent Spring achieved something hardcore greenies always wanted: thinning the herd without getting blamed for it."
21. "It's dangerous to remove a word that represents a fact that these children are born out of wedlock. When you start replacing facts with feelings, you disturb the equilibrium between right and wrong, confusing them as one and the same while encouraging more destructive behavior. As a stigma is erased, a behavior becomes more prevalent. (I'd say out-of-wedlock births are the "new normal," but I hate that phrase almost as much as Julie hates "illegitimate.") As reported in the Daily Caller and elsewhere, more than 50 percent of all births to American women under thirty are out of wedlock. (Wait, is "wedlock" also a bad word? And what about percentages? Those imply math, which requires values...I'm so confused!) It's society as envisioned by Murphy Brown."
22. "Pacifists may be cool, but they are leeches. For them to exist you need nonpacifists willing to die. There's another Gutfeld rule: The number of pacifists increases in direct proportion to their distance from the danger (or their proximity to the faculty lounge--same thing really). It's an ideology better suited as art-work taped to a parent's refrigerator, but instead it's born from the academic media complex that firmly believes America is at fault. Anti-Americanism gives you cool creed (especially when you're a celebrity on foreign soil), as it helps you ignore the real evil simmering around the world. It's why every college student comes home for the holidays with dumb ideas about the world. Everything that has brought them to their fortunate spot in life becomes detached from the very entity that allowed their comfy lifestyle to happen--the big fu**ing army that protects us."
[sharequote align="center"]The number of pacifists increases in direct proportion to their distance from the danger[/sharequote]
23. "...ask any criminal (which some actual researchers have done) and they'll tell you: Knowing a victim might have a gun dissuades them from approaching that victim. But research on gun control is nowhere near as cool as screaming "guns kill children" and demanding action on Twitter, in between therapy sessions and Pilates. Witness the latest celebrities participating in gun control YouTube PSAs. Most at one point in their career rely on armed security to handle all their safety needs. If only we were all like Beyonce, then we could marry a very rich man (and ex-criminal) who has an arsenal. Jay-Z has ninety-nine problems, but not owning a gun isn't one. Bottom line: The argument ends with "Guns are bad. Guns kill people. End of story." This passes as intellectual thought for Sarah Silverman. By the way, if feminism means women are now free to be stoned as men have traditionally been, congrats, Sarah. You're the Rosa Parks of pot."
24. "From Hollywood, we get opportunists who choose to make noise after such violence [like Sandy Hook], because it makes them appear smart and caring, which elevates their cool factor among their equally clueless peers. To these people, a tragedy is really just a fashion accessory--one that you don't have to return Monday morning with Russell Brand's DNA all over it. They'll make a video, even, to show how much they care, and how great they look while they show you they care. It's also just a great time to meet up with like-minded lightweights, look each other in the eye, and validate one another's sensitive and superior persona. It's their version of a picnic."
Comedian Russell Brand speaks during the 'Meditation In Education' Global Outreach Campaign at The Billy Wilder Theater at the Hammer Museum on April 2, 2013 in Los Angeles, California. (Credit: Getty Images)
25. "It's strange to me that the cool, by their very definition committed to being against "the Man," would embrace an endless maze of bureaucracies that turns everyone into massive zombies, waiting for their allotment of bread and cheese. In the name of the public good, the cool happily hand over their power of individual freedom and the dynamic economy that it produces to a bloated blob of arbitrary administration. You have the media-academic complex saluting protesters demanding more government, so they can do--and think--less. They are marching in favor of dependency. They are marching for the right to suck."
[sharequote align="center"]The media-academic complex...are marching in favor of dependency...for the right to suck.[/sharequote]
26. "So why do the cool prosper when they suck so bad? More important, how can we realign the universe so that the things that are really cool (i.e. what isn't cool now) take precedence over the crap spawned by the coolerati? We need to redefine cool as "what allows you to do the things you want to do with the people you love and care about." In America's wildly successful epoch, that's been hard work, decent moral values, a viciously badass military, a no-bull*hit analysis of the world around us, and a desire to understand the world without the assistance of style editors and root-cause experts. Our current idolization of short talk show hosts has also yielded global dividends."