In his forthcoming book, actor Will Smith divulged that he thought about murdering his father.
"My father was violent, but he was also at every game, play, and recital. He was an alcoholic, but he was sober at every premiere of every one of my movies," Smith wrote, according to People. "He listened to every record. He visited every studio. The same intense perfectionism that terrorized his family put food on the table every night of my life."
The actor described the experience as a child of seeing his father strike his mother, who collapsed.
"When I was nine years old, I watched my father punch my mother in the side of the head so hard that she collapsed. I saw her spit blood. That moment in that bedroom, probably more than any other moment in my life, has defined who I am," Smith wrote, according to People.
"Within everything that I have done since then — the awards and accolades, the spotlights and attention, the characters and the laughs — there has been a subtle string of apologies to my mother for my inaction that day. For failing her in the moment. For failing to stand up to my father. For being a coward," Smith noted.
"What you have come to understand as 'Will Smith,' the alien-annihilating MC, the bigger-than-life movie star, is largely a construction – a carefully crafted and honed character – designed to protect myself. To hide myself from the world. To hide the coward," the actor wrote.
Smith explained that when he was a kid he told himself that eventually he would avenge his mother and kill his father. He recounted a time as an adult when he thought about killing his father, who had cancer.
"One night, as I delicately wheeled him from his bedroom toward the bathroom, a darkness arose within me. The path between the two rooms goes past the top of the stairs. As a child I'd always told myself that I would one day avenge my mother. That when I was big enough, when I was strong enough, when I was no longer a coward, I would slay him," Smith wrote.
"I paused at the top of the stairs. I could shove him down, and easily get away with it. I'm Will Smith. No one would ever believe I killed my father on purpose. I'm one of the best actors in the world. My 911 call would be Academy Award level. As the decades of pain, anger, and resentment coursed then receded, I shook my head and proceeded to wheel Daddio to the bathroom," the actor wrote, according to ET Canada.
Smith's memoir titled "Will" is slated for release on Nov. 9, and was "Written with the help of Mark Manson," according to a book description.