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Commentary: Suddenly masks are more effective than vaccines? Thousands of doctors are likely surprised to hear that.

'Your doctor has clearly been trying to kill you all along'

Photo by ANNA MONEYMAKER/POOL/AFP via Getty Images

Your doctor has clearly been trying to kill you all along. Or is suicidal. Or both. Other than that, situation normal. Everything's fine. We're all fine here. How are you?

I know that because the director of the CDC, Dr. Robert Redfield, told me so this week when he said masks are even better than vaccines. Because I simply don't remember a flu season when I saw doctors regularly wearing masks as a routine preventive measure. Not at casual doctor's office visits (where the flu is more dangerous to children than COVID). Not at parent-teacher conferences or youth sports games (my God, why do doctors hate children so much?). Not at the golf course (foursome or death wish? You decide).

What utter psychopaths. They spend all day telling you to lose weight, eat better, and stop smoking, only to go out in the world and breathe hellfire into the universe.

Clearly, doctors should never, ever be able to take their masks off from now on, especially since we have learned so much cool woke science since March. I mean, Karen has reliably told me that I have to wear a mask so the virus doesn't jump the six degrees of separation between me and Kevin Bacon. Meanwhile, should I spend time exercising outside in the vitamin D-packed sunshine, I risk infecting my grandma, who is riddled with co-morbidities.

And I think I can speak for all of us when I say thank Allah for Karen's nagging persistence on that front. Such a blessing. Redfield is only now catching up with her wisdom.

So what the hell, doc?! You are meeting with my co-morbid grandma and everyone else's co-morbid grandma in your practice every single day, as the flu just plays Russian roulette with the maskless lot of you? Have you no decency? Have you no shame? It's just if you were conducting open heart surgery without a mask on, coughing your foulness into a vulnerable chest cavity. May as well at this point. Clearly nothing matters to you monsters.

In a way, we are all chest cavities now. So the doctor without a 24/7 mask on, no matter where he goes and no matter what he does, is basically no better than a jihadist. Are we all clear on this? I mean, it's just science. And the science, as always, is settled. Until it's a very fluid situation, of course.

Hard to believe a medical establishment that was finally getting it right on the fact that a man can have a uterus has been so in the dark about the fact we beat the Black Plague with masks.

Perhaps all doctors should now live together in communes if they can't otherwise embrace the seriousness of their craft. What a failure the Hippocratic Oath has been, not to mandate that doctors wear masks at all times all these years. Clearly, lives of chastity, poverty, and total obedience may be in order to bring greater focus and irrational obsession to keeping me safe from everything I imagine that isn't remotely real.

The doctor has spoken. All hail the mask. Now pass the Kool-Aid and give me something cool like a comet to worship.

One last thing…
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