Thanks largely to Obama’s recent “engagement,” Stalinist Cuba has quickly become the absolute COOLEST place on earth.
Close on the heels of Katy Perry, The Rolling Stones and the Obama family itself, this week, Karl Lagerfeld showcased his Chanel “cruise line” with a fashion-show extravaganza where Havana’s Prado Street served as the catwalk/runway for the world’s coolest models while Gisele Bundchen, Tilda Swinton and Vin Diesel monkeyshined for the paparazzi on the sidelines.
Not to be outdone, the Kardashians just arrived in Havana to shoot their next show.
American reality-show star Kim Kardashian takes a selfie as she rides on a classic car next to her husband, rap superstar Kanye West and her sister Kourtney Mary Kardashian in Havana, Cuba, Wednesday, May 4, 2016. West, the Kardashians and members of her reality-show-star family have become the latest celebrities to visit Havana. They visited Havana’s Museum of Rum Wednesday, stepping out of a hot-pink antique American convertible as they snapped selfies and were recorded by a television crew following them around. (AP Photo/Desmond Boylan)
Attaining such status for coolness among the world’s coolest people is not easy. Such coolness does not just land haphazardly in the lap of any random society. It must be worked on. So let us briefly peruse the societal and political characteristics that the cool and beautiful people (all liberals, needless to add) make a big media show of denouncing.
With this list in hand, we shall scan the world looking for the places where the political authorities most scrupulously eschew such wickedness and thus escape the vilification from cool people that befell such places as Apartheid South Africa; Pinochet’s Chile; Baltimore, Maryland; Ferguson Missouri or - please give me a second to reach for the smelling salts here - the state of North Carolina!
By scrupulously avoiding any such practices, a nation’s authorities can surely escape the worldwide vilification that befalls the wicked authorities responsible for the horrible places mentioned above. This, of course, does not guarantee that they’ll reach the same pinnacle of coolness as Castro’s Cuba - but it’s a start.
Firstly, do not mistreat blacks. For heaven’s sake! Do not even jail blacks if they are convicted (by an independent jury during an internationally monitored trail) of being communist terrorists! South Africa learned this bitter lesson.
In fact, the strictures of cool people stipulate that governmental authorities must not kill blacks even in self defense. Ferguson, Missouri and Baltimore, Maryland recently had this valuable lesson driven home by many cool people.
Given the above guidelines, you would certainly NOT want the distinction of having jailed and tortured - without even rudimentary due process - the most and longest suffering black political prisoners in the modern history of the Western hemisphere - many, many more than were jailed by Apartheid South Africa, in fact.
And you certainly do not want videos going viral that show veritable lynchings by your white firing squads of untried black men who were tumbled into a mass grave by the volley and buried with bulldozers.
And don’t let word get out that your KGB-trained police make a weekly habit of savagely attacking - with truncheons, tire irons and machetes - helpless black women who are carrying flowers and reciting the words of Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks.
Whoops! Sorry! Above I just described Castro’s Cuba, the world’s coolest place.
Another area where cool people are very sensitive is the issue of “gay rights.” And as we’ve recently learned in the cases of Indiana and North Carolina, in the view of cool people, the very definition of “gay rights” can be pretty broad.
So you do not want the distinction of being the only regime in the history of the Western hemisphere to have herded tens of thousands of men and boys into forced labor camps at Soviet bayonet-point for the crime of being gay, genuine or suspected.
You especially do not want the International Court of Justice in The Hague to have this on file:
“Castro’s Cuba is responsible for the persecution, imprisonment in forced labor concentration camps, torture, banishment, and death of thousands of gays, transvestites and lesbians."
This was filed only a few years ago by one of the world’s biggest gay rights groups, Brazil’s “Grupo Gay da Bahía.”
Whoops! Sorry again! Seems I just described Castro’s Cuba, the world’s coolest place.
“Women’s rights” are also important for cool people. These “rights” - we’ve recently been given to understand by the ultra-cool Sandra Fluke – are extremely far-reaching and should include taxpayer-subsidized contraceptives for women.
So you do not want the distinction of having jailed and tortured 35,150 women and girls for political crimes, a totalitarian horror utterly unknown in the Western Hemisphere until Gisele Bundchen’s fashion icon co-founded a regime with Karl Lagerfeld’s gracious host this week.
The prison conditions for these poor women and girls were described by former political prisoner Maritza Lugo thusly: "The punishment cells measure 3 feet wide by 6 feet long. The toilet consists of an 8 inch hole in the ground through which cockroaches and rats enter, especially in cool temperatures the rats come inside to seek the warmth of our bodies and we were often bitten. The suicide rate among women prisoners was very high."
Whoops! Sorry. Above I again described Castro’s Cuba, the world’s coolest place.
Cool people also make a big show of promoting “peace.” To hear them babble, armed conflict between nations has always been a historical abomination. So you definitely do not want to be on record as being modern history’s most crazed warmongers, to the point of wantonly bringing the world to the very precipice of nuclear war:
“We reject any peaceful approach! Violence is inevitable! To establish Socialism rivers of blood must flow! If the nuclear missiles had remained (in Cuba) we would have fired them against the heart of the U.S. including New York City. The victory of socialism is well worth millions of atomic victims! Hatred is the central element of our struggle!”
And you certainly do not want to make an icon of the racist, mass-murdering warmonger responsible for the hate speech quoted above by plastering his image all over your fiefdom. Cool people might get the wrong idea and start mimicking the fashion sense of modern history’s most crazed nuclear warmonger by adopting his berets as the coolest fashion item for the coolest fashion show in the world.
And if anyone should make the horrors above known with thorough documentation in a series of internationally-acclaimed books you should denounce him viciously in your KGB-founded and mentored media as a “SCOUNDREL!” and a “TRAITOR!”
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