How to keep your kids porn-free

If you are a young man or woman with a porn addiction, you probably remember the gateway drug that led you to your present shameful, sweaty condition: your first smartphone. By age 11, over HALF of all children have already been exposed to pornography. That makes sense, since the average age for kids to get their first smartphone is now 10 years old. “Data from PornHub Insights revealed that eighty-six percent of the site’s traffic comes from mobile devices.”

It gets worse. “Children under the age of 10 now account for twenty-two percent of online porn consumption … ten to fourteen year-olds make up thirty-six percent of minor consumers.” Not exactly minor consumers, are they? The smartphone is not just smart — in this respect, at least, it’s diabolical.

And it’s a brutal dilemma for every parent I know. Full disclosure: three of my children got iPhones when they turned 14, which is the youngest age I would do it. We don’t want them to become degenerate fapmonkeys, but we do want to know where they are. We don’t want them to lose their precious souls to a demonic addiction that will permanently warp them and render them unfit for normal relationships, but we do want them to be able to call 911 if they get in an accident.

So, what is a parent to do? Below are a few tech solutions that may help.

Pinwheel

Pinwheel is a hardware solution: a “smart” phone that lets you curate the apps based on their age. Their mission statement sounds pretty cool. “We’re putting humans in the driver's seat of technology. Our mission is to re-imagine the use of technology in the lives of our young developing humans.” The phones are all under $400, and the curated app library doesn’t include a web browser, social media, or video games. It also bans any app built on the “Vegas Effect,” to eliminate compulsive dopamine hit-seeking. It also uses an award-winning parental control service called Bark that alerts you when your kids are doing anything red-flag-worthy.

It does have WhatsApp, Signal, and Zoom, but you get to choose the apps you want your kid to have and block the ones you don’t.

Gabb Wireless

Gabb is similar to Pinwheel: a smartphone or smartwatch you buy from Gabb, along with a proprietary wireless plan. Like Pinwheel, you get no browser or social media. “Gabb Wireless is equipping families with products that keep kids safe while still connecting them to friends and family. This results in freeing up time to experience the world in a positive way.” Gabb is having a Black Friday sale that lets you get a free phone right now. It doesn't have as robust a parental control center as Pinwheel, but it's very popular with parents I know.

Qustodio

Don’t want to buy any new gadgets? Qustodio is an app you can download on the devices you already own, including phones, tablets, and laptops. Parents I know tell me it does the trick. They also publish helpful resources on their website. One article they posted is called “How to Teach Your Kids to Spot Fake News,” which I find hilarious.

Bark

I mentioned this one above, but it looks interesting. For between $5 and $15 a month, you get to download the Bark app and filter content for their devices. It does allow web browsing, but you can block 19 different categories of content and get an alert if they even try to access a specific category, like porn. This gets pretty expensive for large families but could be worth it if you have just one or two phone-using kids. They also sell Bark Home, a $79 piece of hardware with no monthly fee. But look out — clean up your bad habits first, or you’re going to set off the bark alarms!

Traditional Catholicism

This is the lowest-cost entry in my list. In fact, it’s completely free! It’s also wireless, there’s nothing to download, and there are no cumbersome portals to set up. It has some really nice long-term benefits as well, which may or may not include eternal life. I’m pretty sure Pinwheel can’t give your kids that! It also works across all devices, digital and even print!

Because here is the unvarnished truth: you can’t keep 'em down on the farm once they’ve seen Karl Hungus. Your only hope for true immunity to porn and all the other childhood-devouring brain worms out there is for your kids to understand what chastity really is and why they should embrace it as a lifestyle.

Godspeed

It’s tough out there, I know, but you really have just one job. Parents, don’t let your kids use porn. They’ll regret it, and so will you when you lose them to a sissy porn addiction and your son changes his name to Emily.

If you are still committed to your addiction, pull up your filthy trousers, wash your hands, and pray for help. The least you can do is swap out your porn addiction for a far less destructive one, with fewer trafficked sex slaves involved — may I recommend P2P street meth?