Last night my 6-year old finally caught on to the whole Operation Geronimo/Osama got double-tapped in the face thing and started asking questions. I had tried to prevent this from happening by taping smiley faces to the TV set and coughing loudly every time the news came on, but to no avail. Kids are smarter than you think, I guess. If you have children the odds are they’re going to wise up at some point and ask you what happened. If you’ve already told them what happened, just pretend you’re a presidential press secretary and take back everything you said and say something else instead.
Who was Osama bin Laden?
He was a big, ugly, smelly, stinky man who did terrible things and hurt a lot of people. His breath rivaled the waste heaps of fishing harbors at high summer, and he never changed his underwear. He didn’t like you.
What did he do?
He hurt a lot of people. Then he became the world’s Hide & Seek Champion from 2001 onward. And he taunted everyone by making videos of himself saying “nyah nyah nyah nyah” and “nanny nanny boo boo” and generally being awful.
What happened to him?
One night President Obama got a note from the tooth fairy with a map of where this terrible man was. So, he got on his magic telephone and asked several friends to take their whisper-copters over to the guy’s house and give him a little bitty spanking.
Did they spank his bum?
Well, not really. The president’s friends had magic spanking sticks that sent out naughty boy spanking pellets at subsonic velocity which gave him a very, very brief moment to reflect on what a bad boy he had been. After he was spanked he had to take a bath. In accordance with Islamic tradition, of course.
Where is he now?
In Silly Person Land, or the the digestive tract of a Mako. Now go to bed.